Sustained by the Lord

When I accessed my blog for the first time in a looooong time last week, I momentarily wondered why it took me nearly three years to get back to it. I really couldn’t remember a reason other than LIFE. Then I saw the date of my last post: March 27, 2012. And it became abundantly clear why I hadn’t written anything else. Less than a week after I wrote that post, we lost a baby. It was our second pregnancy loss in less than eight months. 

I never thought we would lose a baby. It most definitely never crossed my mind that we would lose two, and in such a short time. We had healed enough in those interceding months to keep trying to add to our family, but we will never be completely healed of those losses. 

I remember that I was in our kitchen, trying my hand at a mushroom risotto for dinner. This mushroom risotto, to be exact. (It’s really delicious. You should make it, because it will probably be a very long time before I undertake it again.) It was a beautiful spring day, everything was right with the world. And then, midway through making dinner, I discovered I was bleeding. It was a Wednesday. It was all so familiar, and yet so surreal. The next day I called my OB and the nurse told me exactly what she had said back in August, to take it easy and it was probably nothing. And I believed her because I just couldn’t fathom losing another baby. On Friday, I went on a field trip with Mickey’s class to the Austin Children’s Museum and Zilker Park. It was a gorgeous, Texas spring day. The bleeding was slight, and by Saturday I thought it really was nothing. But on Sunday I woke up in the middle of the night to a rush of blood and I knew our baby was gone. I cried long and hard that night, mourning our second baby to leave us before we even got to meet him. On Monday, I went to the OB and an ultrasound showed that our baby was gone. It was April 2nd, just five days before my 30th birthday. The hardest part was telling the girls that, once again, our baby had gone to heaven. We would never get to hold the baby we had anticipated being born on his great-grandmother’s birthday. 

Waiting on God’s timing is hard. We are forever grateful that God saw fit to bless us with Joey in 2014. Her name means “God will increase joy.” And though we long for the day that we can hold the children that we never greeted earthside, we find unending joy in the children we are blessed to have with us each and every day. 

Take a minute to hug those little ones you’ve been blessed with, no matter how big or small they are, no matter how they have tested you today. And if you are still waiting for the little ones that God intends for you, wait on His timing and know that He has a plan even when you can’t see it. He is good. His love endures forever. He will sustain you.

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